Emotional Eating Journal Day 7

Stepping on the scale closing one eye, hoping that a pound had shed.. I couldn't believe my eyes as they teared up from disbelief and joy. Two pounds instead of one gone today! My current weight is 230, 5 pounds from my 225 pound weight pre-back injury. Agh I'm tearing up again while typing this. From here on this is normal, tears accompanied by weight loss. Tears of relief and joy. As an 18 year old going to the gym every day 5 days per week. 189 was my lowest adult weight, and it was a good weight for me however, 160 is my long-term goal, or size 12 jeans.. 10 maybe!? Haha. Small goals are my focus, with larger ones floating in the back of my mind.

Workouts are regaining strength. Focusing on my form, I'm getting in a better sweat, and my body recovers quickly. Somewhere along the way my form got weak. I could've been taking it slower with half the speed, getting better results.

I haven't spoken regarding my back much since starting this blog. Maybe if its talked about, it will know and sabotage me. Kidding! It's doing fantastic! I'm still in pain consistently, but it's manageable enough to do things like laundry, and cleaning. I've noticed that I bend down to pick things up often, that's a welcome victory!

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Emotional Eating Journal Day 7:

How does food make me feel? How do I wish I felt about food?

Food makes me feel comfort, happy, angry, sad, fear, and embarrassed. Comfort from food roots back to my turbulent early childhood. When no one, and nothing was there to comfort me, food was attainable. It tasted heavenly, no one bothered me while eating, so it was my happy and peaceful place.

When family, strangers, or peers called attention to my "fluffiness" as Gabriel Iglesias would say, my happiness turned into anger regarding food. After the anger, I sought comfort. Food being my happy place, I ran back to it. Eating for comfort brought anger and sadness, remembering those overweight comments, and realizing food was the cause.

These comments on my larger than average appearance included remarks on how it would affect my health. Was this tasty happy habit going to put me in an early grave? Or lower my quality of life?

When these realizations set in, the habit formed. Life continued to bring stress, and hard times. This vicious cycle felt impossible to overcome. Feelings of embarrassment flooded my mind. Knowing my problem is food, why can't I eat better, and smaller amounts? When I was a child, these were near impossible feelings to conquer at one time. As an adult, these embedded bad habits feel impossible to eliminate.

I wish my feelings towards food were healthy, content, and proud. Ideally, food should feel like nourishment. My future self will feel content in my healthy food choices. But I won't feel bad when eating something unhealthy, because it will be sparingly, and in small amounts. I'll be proud of my progress with cravings, binge eating, choosing healthier options, and any other progress towards wellness. There will be no stigma surrounding my weight, including my health.

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